Tough Love

Those who have mastered the art of self massage know how amazing these things are. The objective is to awkwardly position yourself on the roller so that gravity can massage the hell out of your tight and sore spots.

Foam rolling is not for the faint hearted; you must be able to subject yourself to excruciating pain. Rolling becomes more and more rewarding as the intensity and duration of this pain increases. Soon enough you realise the pain was all worth it and you almost start craving it.

I believe this pain was sent to us by higher beings to punish us for living sedentary lifestyles. If you don’t choose to subject yourself to the pain and alleviate your sins, these deities will just punish you more severely by making you require surgery or by putting you in a retirement village.

Buying a new roller can set you back pretty far. If you’re on a budget, just head to Bunnings and buy a large PVC pipe; they provide significantly more pain for a fraction of the cost. It’s all about the pain:cost ratio.

Written with love by your dearest Laingy.